A Modest Proposal for Expansion of the Use of Family Separation as a Deterrent for the Commission of Crimes in America

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The Trump Administration has, while assuring us all the the separation from parents and subsequent incarceration of children, is simply enforcement of a law passed exclusively by members of the Democratic Party; simultaneously declared the zero-tolerance policy approved by Jeff Sessions (heavily assisted by Stephen Miller) is meant as a deterrent from parents breaking the law.

“[W]e will prosecute you, and that child will be separated from you as required by law. If you don’t like that, then don’t smuggle children over our border.”

Jeff Sessions

Lets dissect this, shall we?  Separating children from parents as a deterrent for crimes…and then locking up the children in shelters.

I humbly submit that this is indeed a fantastic idea, so fantastic that my proposal is that we expand this to all U.S. citizens and lawful residents as well!  I mean, the logic stays intact:  If you do not want your children taken from you and locked into temporary facilities, simply do not break the law!  It’s brilliant in its simplicity, like nearly everything else which comes from the White House, the presumption of guilt is, at the heart of this policy.

People attempting to cross the border as asylum seekers are all criminals after all.  Well, I mean now with the zero-tolerance policy they are presumed to be in violation of 8 U.S. Code § 1325 – Improper entry by alien, a crime that upon first offense is punishable by criminal fine or incarceration up to 6 months, subsequent offenses can carry greater punishment.  This is a misdemeanor, but don’t let that fool you.  This crime carries a punishment commensurate with shoplifting, vandalism, public intoxication and disorderly conduct; truly crimes against humanity, nay against God Himself!

Humbly, I submit to you this, we should simply do the same for everyone.  Tag a fire hydrant?  We take your kids and lock them up.  Jaywalk?  Your kids are going to jail!  Get in a bar brawl?  Your kids will be sent up the river to the nearest abandoned storefront which has been converted into a kiddy-prison with bars on the windows and Winnie The Pooh murals above the urinals in the communal bathroom facilities.  We are going to need a lot more of these, good thing there are hundreds of abandoned Toys R Us stores which are perfectly equipped for the purpose, serendipity indeed!  We may need to clean up a few rat-droppings and cockroaches…or don’t.  I mean, its punishment –I mean deterrent– after all.

It doesn’t matter if you have family where your children can go, it doesn’t matter if there is another family member in your household who can care for the kids…they are going away and it’s your fault for breaking the law.

Surely, after we lock up a few tens of thousand kids, everyone will immediately begin obeying the law.  This could indeed be the key to a crime-free society.  Penalizing children for the crimes of their parents could be the panacea to all our societal ills.  Maybe the penalty for the kids should increase with the severity of the crime, we could have work camps and chain gangs, building our office furniture and tending our highway’s landscape for us law-abidin’ folks to enjoy.

This is perfectly in-line with the supreme law of the land, of course: The Bible.  After all, we are all being punished for the original sin of Adam and Eve, you know, the damnable crime of seeking wisdom and covering their naked bodies.  Surely if thousands of years of  punishment with a trans-generational curse is good enough for the Almighty, a few years of hard labor is fine, yes?

So it’s settled, from now on we take children from anyone who has committed any crime, as a deterrent from future criminals.  And if it doesn’t work, who cares?  We can always blame the Democrats!




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