Republican God Gains Exciting New Powers

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Apparently the Republican God, once powerless to intercede in U.S. presidential politics, is now taking credit for ensuring that Donald Trump became president.

It is unclear whether the Holy One was unwilling or unable to prevent the secret-Muslim-atheist-marxist-fascist-communist-statist-baby eating reptilian shapeshifter known as Barack Obama from being elected to two terms previously, but rest assured the lord ceased resting on his heavenly laurels in 2016. While the official announcement of God’s decision from conservative mouth breather and White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders wasn’t made until January 30, 2019, other evangelical thought-leaders such as Franklin Graham, Jerry Falwell Jr., Jim Bakker and John Kilpatrick have all signalled that we can thank God for ensuring Trump’s unlikely victory.

 “I could sense going across the country that God was going to do something this year, and I believe that at this election, God showed up.”

Franklin Graham

Trump’s own blond and buxom spiritual advisor, Paula White a pastor at evangelical mega-church New Destiny Christian Center in Florida, has additionally confirmed that the thrice-married, serial adultering, braggadocious philanderer and unapologetic sexual abuser was indeed hand-selected by God himself back in August of 2018.

“They say about our president, ‘Well, he is not presidential.’ Thank goodness. Thank goodness. Thank goodness, and I mean that with all due respect. Because in other words, he is not a polished politician. In other words, he is authentically — whether people like it or not — has been raised up by God.”

Paula White

The self-proclaimed profit —I mean prophetLance Wallnau, liken Donald Trump to the pagan king Cyrus, who liberated the Hebrews living in Babylon so that they could return to Israel, reported that God himself told him that Trump would be elected.

“I heard the Lord say, ‘Donald Trump is a wrecking ball to the spirit of political correctness,'”

Lance Wallnau

Apparently, God hates political correctness in political discourse, therefore Trump was the obvious choice. It is unclear; however, why He has such disdain from comity and civility.

Another self-annointed prophet, retired fire fighter and present-day firebrand Mark Taylor claims that God told him Trump would be president six-years prior to the election.

“The Army of God will have victory after victory after victory – and I love what Pres. Trump always says…you’ll get sick and tired of winning, if there is such a thing, and that’s the same way for the Army of God it’s going to be victory after victory after victory!”

Mark Taylor

It has not yet been established then why God did not ensure that republicans maintained control of the House after the decisive Blue Wave in 2018. You’d think that intervening in the midterms would be child’s play. It is also a mystery how the omnipotent God could allow the Robert Mueller’s Special Counsel investigation to proceed unimpeded and why he did not seem fit to protect the 34 indicted associates of Trump or his campaign (to date) who have been charged or convicted of crimes.

God could not be reached for comment.


  1. Because Sarah Sanders herself says its true, it isn’t up to folk like us to question her revelation. The great news is that God has it covered, so the Republicans no longer need to vote if the Donald should be up for re-election. I am glad that is sorted.

    Liked by 1 person

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